Replay
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: It had to be a dream. The problem was that she didn't want to go through it. WK fic. This story is for Blue65.
1. Washington Heights '78

**_We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams._**

_For whatever reason, they stopped speaking. Just like that, without any warning they put an end to their conversation and remained still; lost in each other's gaze. It looked like the classic scene of some romantic movie, absurd enough since it didn't match at all the plot of their respective existences. _

_But still..._

_He leaned over and she didn't push him away. On the contrary she focalized on his lips as the inches between his and hers were slowly vanishing. His breath caressed her face and made her shiver. The beats of her heart speeded up their pace as the whole machine controlling her mind got lost in dying regrets. _

_They kissed and it was perfect._

Bang!

"Oh I'm sorry, are you okay?"

Her head hit the locker with strength. She closed her eyes in an instinctive motion of defense, made a face as a latent pain began to spread over but she nonetheless nodded, accepting the girl's apologies. She hadn't seen it come at all and like whenever she had to face unplanned events, a veil of uncomfortable shyness had taken possession of her.

And there she was, speechless and disarmed.

A few seconds flew away before she realized; before the smell hit her nose and the noises in the background came to an odd, incomprehensible conclusion. It wasn't Olivia's place, even less Mason's… Then what was she doing there?

"Karen Delaney is always running late, isn't she? All day long plunged in her dreams…"

The voice made her freeze. She swallowed hard and tightened her grip on the notebook she was holding. She hadn't heard him for such a long time. As a matter of fact she had hoped that she would one day manage to forget him.

But he was back.

His hand brushed her shoulder and she turned around quickly to face him. She gasped. He hadn't changed the slightest bit. She had and she wouldn't let him take advantage of her this time.

"Don't even dare to touch me."

Her cold tone resulted effective enough to trouble him. He made a step backwards, surprised. She smiled, vaguely.

"You were a lot tender last week, sweet Karen of my dreams…"

A wave of nausea ran throughout her whole body. This nickname; it had haunted her for an entire decade. Then his words hit her mind and she frowned, perplexed.

"What are you talking about? I only slept with you once and it was back in 1978."

A bell rang, putting an end to the odd conversation. The man winked at her then walked away, balancing in the air an apple while humming an old song.

He always did.

That and his tweed jacket; these were the only elements Karen had kept in mind of the ambiguous Mr. Tyler. And the taste of his disgusting lips on her breasts... She blushed.

"Sorry I was talking to Grace. Let's go to class; there's no need to be late."

Within a second someone grabbed her elbow and pushed her forward.

"Will…?"

She could have recognized his brown eyes anywhere, even in the purest darkness. He looked so young this time though; not really a teenager but his adult features hadn't showed up yet completely. He was still good-looking, on his own way.

"Oh no don't tell me you forgot to bring the notes. Not again! I still don't know how we finally managed to get an A last week and to be honest I really wonder what your private talk with Mr. Tyler consisted in but… It can't happen all the time. Karen, you're driving me crazy."

It must have been a dream, a bad one; vaguely ironical. She must have fallen asleep and for some odd reason, it was like she was back to the year she had turned eighteen. High school, her permanent conflicts with her aunt, her mother's absence and all the things she had done to her body in order to get some revenge from the fact she didn't like the person she was supposed to be.

"He abused of me… I always said that I had agreed but the truth is that I didn't have any choice. He had locked the door behind me."

Her words never reached Will who had already entered the classroom and sat down at his table. For the very first time in her life _ it had taken her twenty years or so _ she had dared to say out loud what had happened in the teacher's office. But she should have known better and logically enough her despair only got lost against the blank walls of the school. She led a pitiful life and would always do.

The door got closed in front of her. She stared at it for a couple of seconds, blinked. Then automatically she began to go backwards. She had nothing to do with him, nothing to do with a world she had drawn a line under a very long time ago.

She rushed out of the high school and felt dizzy as she came to face the old buildings of Washington Heights. She had meticulously avoided the district since she had graduated; that night she had argued with her aunt and run away, heading midtown. It was where everything had begun.

Realizing that she had no credit card and barely enough cash to buy a drink, she gave up the idea of a cab and walked down towards the end of the street. If her souvenirs were right, there was a bench, always empty.

She sat down on it and closed her eyes wishing nothing but coming back to her real life. It might have not been perfect but if dreams were supposed to rock you peacefully through your sleep then replaying all the film since she had turned eighteen couldn't be a part of it.

And then it hit her mind, without any warning as the image of Stanley invaded her thoughts.

She had never really tried to make the slightest comparison since all she had wished for was him to disappear from her mind but now she had met him back, in this fuzzy world she couldn't explain properly, the clarity was sharp and incisive.

If she had never really been able to forget about Mr. Tyler, it was because he looked a lot like the man she had finally married; way too much.

Karen burst into tears.

_My bad, darling..._


	2. Whatever is left to be

_She had spent a thousand silent hours fantasizing about his lips, what his kisses could be like. And now that for some surreal reason she had ended up in his arms, she was wishing for nothing but to stay there her whole life. _

_She wanted to be his; no mattered the consequences of their acts. A strong evidence seemed to be invading her mind little by little as his hands travelled down her lower back, when she finally deepened the kiss and felt her heart melting._

She couldn't really tell if the worst had been to realize that she wasn't the owner of a mansion in The Upper East Side _ not yet in the craziness of whatever was going on apparently _ or the note she had found stuck to the door of the fridge, under an old magnet representing Germany and a pint of beer.

She had learned to deal with them and pretend they didn't exist. Time had even made its job and she had actually forgotten about the resented pain whenever she used to pass the door and came to face the emptiness of a so-called home. But the fact was that her mind was tricky and it hadn't really deleted anything from her memory. A second had been enough and she had stared blankly at the note before tearing it with force into pieces.

_I won't be home until Monday, Jo._

When she had argued with her mother and left home at sixteen years old, Karen had thought that the bohemian life of her aunt would suit her desires of independence and freedom. The first weeks had been memorable, the two years a nightmare that she had wanted to escape from as soon as possible.

In an automatic gesture she had gone straight to the bottle of Vodka _ the old habits remained _ and she had let the strength of the alcohol blurry her mind. Perhaps it was exactly what she needed at the end; to get drunk, pass out and wake up on the bathroom floor of her penthouse. But she hadn't had time to go through the thick fog of her blurry mind. The phone had rung; she had answered.

"Karen, is that you? It's Lenny. I just wanted to tell you that you started your shift at ten this evening. Don't forget your sunglasses since it's the VIP party."

He had hung up before she had been able to reply but the truth was that she would have been incapable to articulate the slightest sound. It seemed that all the ghosts from her past were rushing back to her without any warning, hitting her face hard; like a cold slap. She had understood her mistakes a very long time ago so to be completely honest, it sounded unfair to live them back now. She had worked hard to forget about the humiliations, the sentiment of failure on her shoulders and the damages caused to her heart.

She had emptied the bottle of vodka.

An hour had flown away, lost in translation, when someone had knocked on the door of the rickety shack. She had looked by the peephole and let a bright smile lit up her tired eyes then opened, only to fall into Jack's arms. At least he was there, younger but still representing a firm base in the chaos of this odd life.

And like in some dream Grace had appeared behind, very soon followed by Will. She hadn't had them in real life. She had had to go through everything alone and the perspective to have them by her side had all of a sudden relieved a part of her mind.

"Oh Karen, could you lend me your lacy black top for tomorrow? I have a date."

Grace smiled proud of her announcement while the guys simply rolled their eyes in order to hide a desperate sigh. Surprisingly enough the difference of age between her mind and her friends' one didn't bother her at all unless she was just clutched to whatever was left of an old hope to escape from loneliness.

"And who is the lucky guy, honey?"

"Brad Hopkins…"

She couldn't help but shiver and look at the floor intently, trying to find a way to restrain a scream of distress until it vanished in the depths of her head. She had been to jail for him, had agreed on every single dark plan he had dared to advance. She had thought by then that it was just the way things were supposed to be until the handcuffs had begun to hurt her wrists.

"You can't date him."

Her reaction seemed to provoke an unexpected regain of interest and very soon Karen found herself facing her friends' incredulous gazes. Grace laughed.

"Excuse me? You dumped him last weekend, saying that he was definitely worth it but that you wanted to give another chance to Stanley."

The name of her husband made her heart speed up and for a couple of seconds she felt hopeful, ridiculously enough since he was probably as young as everyone in this 'replay' thing.

"Brad is not a very trustful person and I'm just afraid…"

"Oh who cares if he's not 'Mister Right'? Just because you have sex doesn't mean the others aren't allowed to do the same!"

Grace stormed out in a dramatic motion and slammed the door of the flat. At the end their adult life wouldn't sound that different, even if a decade later. Some conflicts would explode in the purest absurdity ever but maybe it was just in order to enjoy at the most the inevitable reconciliations. And then you felt so lucky to have some people by your side.

Jack kissed her lips softly in a quiet attempt to ease her frustration. She smiled at him, ran a hand through his hair.

"A penny for your thoughts, Kare…"

She looked up at Will, blinked. He was sat on the floor, leafing through some fashion magazine; his eyes locked on hers. The words caressed her lips but died in her lack of courage to ask for the reason why she had to go through it all over again and if it were dream then maybe it was time for her to go back to reality, to wake up once and for all. She stood up, lit a cigarette and leaned against the window.

"I should go now. Lenny doesn't like when I'm not there on time."

"Oh… The mysterious guy from the video store… I wonder if one day you would let us stop by it and check if you're a good employee!"

Jack and Will laughed heartedly while she swallowed back her tears. She closed her eyes, sighed.

"Yeah… The video store guy…"

Her whisper passed unnoticed, lost in the realization that even her friends ignored the real nature of her late-night job.

She couldn't blame them though. She had never really managed to assume it all herself.

_My bad, darling._


	3. What the years keep alive

_Something must have happened when their tongues brushed each other's because they let it go. It seemed that their consciousness had been defeated by the strength of a quieted desire for so long denied. And they forgot about everything, about whatever the others could ever say. They just stopped worrying because for some reason, there wasn't any word that was worth it._

_Very slowly her leg went up to his waist and she pushed him towards her. The gesture was vague, barely noticeable. She wanted him to guess and most of all remain silent. It might have sounded stupid but she had always imagined that lovers didn't need to speak as if their intertwined bodies provoked a reaction in their respective minds and they were connected, implicitly. _

_He lay down on her. She smiled in his mouth. _

_He was the first one able to read her mind._

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as the smoke embraced her lungs. Almost immediately it set off the whole machine and she felt like she was floating, so light on a peaceful cloud. She sighed, satisfied. A smile lit up her lips.

The breeze was warm against her face and the sensations multiplied by the power of the drug.

"It's like going away for a smooth travel…"

Her voice sounded hoarse, like it used to once; way back then, summer '78.

His hand brushed hers and he took the joint, laughing slightly at her blurry but nonetheless honest remark. Since everything had begun and she had found herself in the body of the girl she had been at eighteen, Karen almost felt alright for the very first time. She turned her head aside and stared at him. He had laid down next to her, in the opposite sense but his face only inches away from hers.

The roof of the building had been her shelter for a very long time as a teen. Laid on her back she had spent numerous afternoons staring at the blueness of the sky, daydreaming of revenge over her so-called life. And when the night finally stole the sun and she found herself in the dark, her smile got substituted by silent cries.

She would have never thought that she would bring someone up there one day for the place being so personal but still, Will was by her side and it seemed right.

"I'm going to see Stanley tonight. Lenny gave me a day off. Well… I'll have to do some extra next week."

Curiously enough coming back to the club hadn't been the nightmare she had dreaded for long hours the day before. Perhaps her experience had played a major role in her detachment towards the way she was sort of earning her existence even though the sentiment of failure she had used to feel by then had violently increased when the spotlights had landed on her half-naked body. She had had the courage to quit. Being thrown back in the gloomy atmosphere of stripping was harsh. But since it was a dream, she would end up waking up more or less soon.

She was afraid to close her eyes though because at the very second she would open them back, the frustration of facing her long hair and the small flat of her aunt would hit her harder than the previous time.

"So you really want to give him a second chance after the way he treated you last week?"

Will's comment intrigued her. She had no idea of what he was talking about but fifteen years by Stanley's side and she was sure that it was about another woman. She shrugged, nodded. If only she could have had this discussion before settling vows over a heavy diamond wedding ring.

"Within a few years he'll be at the head of his father's company…"

"That doesn't make anyone happy, Karen."

"Who said that long-term relationships led to this kind of feeling?"

His silent gaze on her warmed up her heart and all of a sudden Karen felt like they had jumped two decades later, enjoying a soft conversation _ even though bitterly _ over a Martini on the couch of his flat.

"Why are you crying Kare?"

"Oh you know how touchy-feely I am when I smoke pot."

Her answer made him smile and he didn't insist. For some reason she did though.

"Thank you for being here, honey."

She really meant it.

Meeting with Stanley turned into a fiasco she hadn't even imagined possible. It wasn't more the fact he had rented a room in some hotel on Park Avenue _ it had even turned into their signature at the beginning of their story _ but the way his comments kept on burying her in an ocean of regrets.

On the way down to The Upper East Side, her impatience hadn't ceased growing at the same time as her anxiety. If she had slept with her teacher the week before and hadn't seen Stanley for two weeks, then they had never shared the slightest bit of real intimacy. Mr. Tyler had been the first, followed two days later by Brad Hopkins; and his friends, his so-called friends she hadn't had the force to push away for being way too intoxicated. Somehow she was glad enough to not have had to live it back in this odd dream she was going through right now.

She had knocked on the door and faced a man she had never had the chance to actually meet before. Stanley in his twenties, probably a couple of years previous to his marriage to Cathy and the children they would have together, those descendants Karen had never been able to give him properly.

He was still slim but not that attractive and her impatience vanished in a whirl of disappointment when she understood that she wouldn't be able to count on him.

"I'm so glad you're here. Do you want a Gin?"

Not a single kiss, the least touch; he opened the door, vaguely looked at her and went back in the rented suite. She followed him and sat down on an armchair then accepted the drink as he positioned himself on the coffee table to face her properly.

"I talked to Cathy and told her it was over. Anyway she had never really meant anything to me. It was just a one-night stand because I couldn't handle it any longer. Damn, Karen… You have to understand me. You might want to wait and 'feel ready' as you advanced the last time I saw you but hey, I'm a college man. I have to get my needs satisfied, baby. A blow-job on weekend is fun, but it's not worth the whole trip. Do you want some LSD?"

He didn't wait for her reaction. As a matter of fact, he probably had never imagined that she might have something to add because he had been clear, incisive; sharp and cold. But she had grown accustomed to it with the time.

At that point in her strange situation Karen realized that she might have a chance to make another choice over her life. She could have left, assumed it all then broken the rules of chronology and fate unless it was coincidence, she had never been able to understand.

She stood up. Stanley stared at her, a bit perplexed.

"Where are you going to?"

She swallowed hard and clenched her fists, took off her shoes.

"Nowhere, baby…"

She spent the night over _ their first night together _ focalizing on the bitter fact that without Stanley, she would have never been able to draw a line under this past that weighed a lot on her heart; no mattered it included another sort of regrets.

_My bad, darling…_


	4. All about Jack

_If she began to speak it wouldn't work anymore. They would stop, maybe apologize through the awkwardness of their shameful mumbles and she would lose her faith towards life. She knew from experience how fragile it was; how cold and lonely you felt then once a part of your heart had been ripped out by some mistakes. So she tightened her grip on him, holding him tight against her body as his hands passed underneath her skirt and reached her inner thighs._

_He had to be the right one because crashing down had got reason over her mind and she couldn't face a new failure anymore. She wasn't determined but on the contrary completely resigned. He was her last hope in the darkness of a subtle but nonetheless pointless life. _

_His lips left hers. He kissed her neck. She sighed._

"I won't go back to school tomorrow. As a matter of fact, I have decided to stop."

"You want to give up?"

While she had carefully chosen her words, Jack's frankness made her shiver. She had always hated the idea of abdication. It wasn't allowed to suit her for her sentiment of failure being yet very strong in her head. She had to fight then, prove to the world _ if not just to herself _ that she was capable of because the day she would cease, she was afraid everything would vanish and she would be lost; lonely and sad.

"I don't need to go there anymore. I can get my education on my own. Stanley doesn't want me to work so I guess the subject is closed, settled down."

As a matter of fact they hadn't spoken about it. She had left the hotel suite early on Sunday morning, headed back to Washington Heights then thought about all these things. At some point she had come to wonder if all the rest hadn't been a dream and she actually was eighteen. It seemed so real though, reachable enough to just be a mere fantasy.

She was thirty-eight years old, married to a wealthy businessman and lacking air to breathe properly. She had money, a controversial integrity and a troubling past that for some reason had showed up back, pushing her to the limits of sanity. And she might look like she was still a teen, high school had been over for too long; there was no way for her to live it twice. She wouldn't be able to handle more ghosts from her past.

"I thought you were more ambitious. I'm surprised."

"Well who knows… Maybe I'll end up being a good, even though singular, coworker; a sort of assistant."

"You're better than that. What about medical school?"

She couldn't help but gasp then clenched her fists in frustration. She had never told about it to anyone, probably because she was convinced it would never occur and obviously she had been right. The process of her father's death had been a long and painful one; no mattered she was so young. It had set off something in her head, at some point. And when he had closed his eyes for the very last time, she had sworn to herself that she would make her goal to turn around the idea of saving people's life.

Then she had met a couple of men.

Very slowly she swallowed back her astonishment and pretended that everything was alright. She locked her eyes with Jack's.

"It was a stupid idea. I was probably high when I came up with it."

"No, you weren't and you know it."

"Honey I don't feel like arguing right now. I had enough with Stan last night."

He didn't insist and stared up at the ceiling while the rain was still falling outside. It was a long and boring Sunday, the kind of ones you ended up wondering about a ton of things that might not have deserved so much attention for finally take your life away for a blurry world of interrogations. She leaned her head against his shoulder, closed her eyes.

"Why do I have to go through that?"

The whisper slid on her lips and for the very first time reached the dimension of reality. Until now she had only been thinking about it but the reasons why she was back in Washington Heights at the age of eighteen remained a complete mystery.

"Wait, is everything alright with Stan?"

Jack misunderstood her words. She swallowed hard a latent pain then shrugged.

"Honey, he is…"

"But you're in love with him, aren't you? Because you're just about to give him your whole life and you can't do it if you're not sure that he's the right one."

Jack's fingers began to stroke her hair and she realized that he hadn't done that for a very long time in their real life. She had missed his arms and the softness of his voice rocking her peacefully. He was the only one who had ever been able to do that.

"What is love anyway?"

Her fake laughter didn't find any resonance in Jack. She moved, suddenly uncomfortable; sat up on her bed.

"And you… Are you in love?"

He hesitated, taking her slightly aback.

"I'm not sure I know who I am and as a matter of fact, I have something to ask you."

The way he looked intimidated made her smile but as he began to twist his hands nervously, her anxiety took possession of her mind.

"Jack, are you okay? You know I will do anything for you, just tell me what it is… You're freaking me out."

He frowned, avoiding her gaze. The words seemed to be reaching his lips but couldn't hit the air properly. She waited, cupped his face in her hands and forced him to look at her; a pale smile lighting up her lips.

"I need to figure out something and for that… I need to sleep with you, Karen; just once."

_My bad, darling…_


	5. Way too harsh

_She had wasted her time. He was unbuttoning her cardigan, replacing every single bit of fabric by a gentle kiss and all she could think about was the way she had missed out her whole life for reasons that had never made sense. _

_The cashmere slid along her shoulders, revealing the delicate lace of her bra; her heart pounding loud against her chest. She closed her eyes and swallowed hard to stifle her cries. Her past had only been a series of mistakes and all of a sudden it seemed about to change, at last. She buried her hand through his hair, pushed him closer to her body. _

_The evidence of her realization was so bright that it actually blinded her mind. _

_She had been put on earth to remain in his arms._

She woke up and simply wondered if she had ever stopped crying, if it was possible that the tears had kept on running down her cheeks while she was asleep because as soon as she opened her eyes and faced the walls of the tiny bedroom, her cries had invaded her back.

It seemed that her heart had slowed down to weigh heavily against her chest. It was exhausting, emotionally speaking. Not only was she reliving her hated teenage years but the decisions she had been taking from the beginning of this odd dream seemed to make everything worse and it left a bitter taste over her mind. She was an adult; she should have been able to change some facts.

Perhaps she was lacking of common sense and had a thing for failing.

When Jack had left the day before, murmuring a vague goodbye without daring a look at her, and the door had slammed, she had burst into tears. Through the blurriness of her troubled mind, she had come to the conclusion that the events that had determined her real life _ and not this dark utopia _ were a lot better than what she was going through now; at least for her friends. She hadn't had time to break them into pieces and they were still safe. She just hoped that her present acts wouldn't have any consequence as soon as she would come back to her adult life.

It took her a couple of hours to finally get up. The warmness of the blanket sounded reassuring against her bare skin, like a maternal shield of kisses; comforting enough to face whatever would come up. She might have wished to have someone by her side at this exact moment but if there was something Karen had learned from her previous experiences, it was that she couldn't count on anybody because she was born to be lonely.

Then she had let the hours fly away, sat at the table of some coffee shop on Madison Avenue. Her eyes were red for her staring intently at the building opposite the street, the last floor. And a strong sentiment of loss was invading her soul.

She wanted to go home. She was missing Rosario, the heat of a bath overlooking Central Park and the immensity of the mansion; Stanley's absence shouting out loud through the silence of the corridors that it didn't sound right and they were about to crash. None of them dared to speak about it, advance the idea they might have been going through a crisis. She couldn't accept the idea that one more time, her marriage was failing; he didn't seem to mind that much as long as his routine wasn't perturbed by the lack of feelings.

Around two in the afternoon a woman stepped out of the building. She was holding a black leather bag, probably from Gucci. Karen's throat tightened. She was wearing a pair of worn jeans with messages she had written on it, the purple ink contrasting with the pale blue of the piece of clothing. Her sandals were flat ones and she had a green cotton shoulder bag from The Navy with a peace-symbol sticker on it. Her hair was long, very long; brushing her lower back in fluid movements when she was walking. Her makeup was invisible. She only used it when she was stripping because people needed to think that she was at least twenty-one, not just eighteen.

She didn't miss her stilettos but the power they tended to bring her, the comfort of an artificial self-confidence she had grown accustomed to. She wasn't very tall and getting respect from people had always been a hard task, especially with her so-fragile mind.

She observed the woman go down the avenue and when she disappeared at the corner of a street, Karen decided to leave.

Grace saw her but didn't stop, obviously still angry after her last comment about Brad Hopkins. It made Karen sick and worried. She had always seen her friend like a younger sister whom she had to keep on protecting from the mistakes she hadn't known to avoid herself for having been so naïve.

Will appeared. He was talking with Jack. His brown eyes looked up and locked with her hazel ones. He frowned.

Jack barely nodded at her and left almost immediately. Things would never be the same anymore between the two of them. A veil of discomfort had wrapped up their injured minds and they would get stuck, trapped in the mistake of a shared and regretful past.

She had just lost one of the bases of her life.

"I can't believe you're screwing up your life like that. You shouldn't stop school now."

She smiled at Will, at his concerned remark then sighed.

"Anyway my life has already come to the point that I'd better die."

"Let me buy you a coke in order to celebrate your funeral, then."

The heat of his hand on hers passed underneath her skin and embraced her heart, softly enough to give warmness to her soul.

Some days were dark, others vaguely bright but never that hopeful; way too harsh.

_My bad, darling…_


	6. Dancing around

_The storm was approaching New York, gravitating around the city with the strength of a too long restrained desire. Lightening were piercing the sky of their bright light, thunders resounding somewhere in the background. But she felt safe in his arms, rocked by the stifled sound of the traffic sliding up the building and coming to die along their sighs. _

_The wind blew away the flame of the candle and they found themselves in the dark. A cloud vanished, letting the moon caressed their pale skin. They stopped, following the subtle changes of the weather and for the very first time he locked his eyes with hers. _

_There was still a chance to save whatever had been left of their previous life._

_Her fingers slid on his nape and she pushed him towards her, his breath embracing her lips in anticipation of the kiss that would settle down their demise; determined as they were by the tempting idea their past would find a better resonance if they dared to cross the lines. _

The spotlight hit her lower back as the vague of warmness ran through her whole body. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and leaned her head backwards. She could hear the murmur of the first row of table. Tourists never sat there, only heartless businessmen who desperately tried to fulfill their pitiful life by wasting money around.

The music started, slowly; very soon followed by the first encouragements from the audience. Her foot slid on the warm metal and she turned around the pole as a sexy smile lit up her resigned face. The truth was that she had never really minded about that. From the stage she couldn't see anyone. They were plunged in the dark; she was shining _ or so _ under the spotlight. It was all about concentration, imagining a different scene, another situation. It wasn't so hard unless she had simply lost any kind of consideration towards herself but she preferred not to think about it too much because if she did, it might hit her too hard.

A movement of the hip, her mini-skirt slid down along her legs and she pushed it behind her with her feet. Now her blouse, a button after another; it drove the clients crazy and she forgot to be sad about the fact she was actually stripping.

The day she had met Lenny for the first time, she had just missed an audition and he had promised her good money for not a lot of work.

_All you have to do is dancing in front of a crowd. _

So she had given up her dreams of The American Ballet and finally landed in the middle of a gloomy strip club. When some became drug addicts or developed a tendency towards alcohol, Karen had focalized on the ambiguous appeal of money. Once you had tried, it was hard to imagine your life without a dozen bills of hundred dollars in your bag. Five years more had been necessary for her to understand that gulping pills down and passing out on the floor of your flat for having drunk too much vodka was actually a consequence of a money addiction but it had been too late. She hadn't been able to come backwards.

Her bra fell down. She embraced the pole, making her curves move seductively from side to side. Thirty seconds more and the show was over, at least for the night.

Black, applause; the synchronicity didn't let her much time and she always had to grab her pile of clothes in a hurry before rushing backstage and emptying the stage, like an odd metaphor of the shame she should have felt.

Get undressed; hide yourself.

A waitress tended her a bathrobe. She put it on immediately and hurried to the small room she was sharing with the rest of the staff; lost girls, underage, facing every day more the failure of their life. At least she felt at home there, bitterly understood.

"Natasha and I go for a drink after work, do you want to join us Karen?"

Melissa had arrived at the club the same day as her. She had left her home in the middle of the night _ she was from Nebraska _ then taken a bus for New York. And there she was, invisibly injured by her late-night activities but way too proud to say anything. The concordance between their existences had allowed them to build a strong friendship.

But the day Karen had finally married her first husband she had left it all behind and never heard anymore about Melissa. She had wanted to draw a line under her past but now that she was facing her again, she couldn't stop wondering what her friend had become since all that time.

Whenever she opened her eyes and came back to her real life, she would try to find her and apologize for having let her down in a tough time, just like that.

"No thank you… I want to go home. I am pretty tired."

She wasn't but at least in her bed, she could close her eyes and imagine that she was back to her manse. Then she stepped into her limousine and headed to Grace's office; spent some time at Will's. She missed it all, even the darkest parts of the hell she might have been living at some point. All of a sudden even her mistakes sounded more appealing.

A fine rain hit her face as she left the building and made a first step in the empty street. Very quickly she went up Amsterdam Avenue and was about to hail a cab when a voice in her back stopped her.

"What are you doing here at this hour of the night?"

She jumped, turned on her heels. Will was standing in the middle of the sidewalk, holding firmly an umbrella.

"I could ask you the same…"

"I was working. You know I have a night shift once a month…"

She nodded even though she had no idea of what he was talking about.

A lie twirled in her head and caressed her lips but as it was about to come out, she felt tired; of everything. She rolled her eyes, sighed; shrugged.

"I don't work for a video store, honey…"

Her tears vanished in a hoarse laugh. She bit her lower lip.

"I know."

She froze.

_My bad, darling…_


	7. A matter of waking up

_As simple as a smile, a stolen kiss at the end of a day when the sun began to fade away and your skin was still so warmed; sometimes she had the sensation that life was as easy as that. Then you couldn't help but feel fine, ready to go on and try in spite of the subtle taste of fear twirling around your heart as if failure could never be completely avoided. Unless she only tended to be negative; she took his shirt off and passed on top of him._

_His fingers slid down her arms and this is when he grabbed her wrists then pushed her away._

_"No, wait. We can't do that."_

_Perhaps she had a good reason to let her hopes plunge in the dark._

After her unexpected mid-night encounter with Will on Amsterdam and her confession _ followed by his own one _ she had felt the obligation to invite him over, at least for a drink. They needed to speak, they couldn't stop right now; not after all the things they had implicitly advanced in the middle of an empty street vaguely lit up by a silent moon.

But now that the door of her bedroom had got closed behind them, a veil of awkwardness had spread over their heads and there they were, sat down on the floor, barely looking at each other.

She had never liked making the first step. She had never been patient either.

Growing in annoyance, Karen finally sighed, rolled her eyes while tightening the grip on her legs.

"How is Gracie?"

"Bad, she refuses to speak to any of us and she skipped most of the classes two days ago."

"She's like my little sister…"

Her remark might have sounded stupid but it came from her fragile heart and very soon the words caressed her lips in a smile. She shrugged, swallowed hard.

"It's only a matter of days, Karen. It has always been like that. Don't be worried."

"And what if for once everything changed?"

Will shook his head then locked his eyes with hers. His gaze was full of this certitude and stubbornness she had learned to live with; the shining ambition of a very good lawyer.

"Because… This world is not that unexpected. If you pay attention to the main elements of your life, you will notice how everything could have been planned."

"You're way too Cartesian, Will. You've always been. And as much as I don't like routine, for once I wish you were right; if only…"

"Is this because of your stripping activity? If so you know you can stop, at any moment. We will always be there for you, Karen. I hope one day you will end up trusting us once and for all."

For some mysterious reasons the echo of his words didn't die in the depths of her mind but on the contrary, something happened, an odd feeling. She frowned, held her breath for a couple of seconds but finally abdicated, frustrated.

"I… I do. Of course, I do."

"No you don't because you need to trust yourself to do so in the first place."

"How did you find out about my job?"

Without any transition Karen oriented the conversation in a different way, almost harshly but Will's pertinence had begun to weigh way too much on her mind. So whenever something didn't match her desires, she changed the subject irrevocably.

Perhaps it was only running away from the springs of her insecurities but she knew she had no force to face them properly.

"I happened to go to the club a few weeks ago with a friend from college and you were there, onstage. I assume the lights prevented you from seeing me. Besides, I wasn't in the front row…"

She couldn't help but laugh heartedly then nodded.

"Yes, a female-strip club is definitely not your sort of things honey. I really wonder what your friend was thinking about while taking you there!"

"What are you talking about?"

A vague incertitude invaded her suddenly. She frowned, shyly smiled and passed her tongue over her lips.

"You prefer boys…"

The statement got lost in her murmur like an odd, aborted interrogation while her fear to have broken too early whatever uncertainty might have been going on in his head made its way to her brain. She froze, waiting impatiently for his reaction. Time seemed to get suspended.

For a few seconds Will didn't move. His eyes were fixed on the hardwood floor, his breath regular but quiet.

"How do you know about it? Don't tell me it's as obvious as Jack because don't get me wrong, I love him a lot but… I'm not like him, am I?"

"No you're not but there's something… You give your time to listen to me; the other guys don't. Stanley hates that, he always says how we're wasting time when we speak."

"So being more attentive makes of me… You know."

Will's slight despair broke her heart. She hadn't had the chance to know him in high school and the only stories she had heard of him had been told by Grace. From the day they had met to the last time she remembered she had seen him, Karen had witnessed an adult who assumed the person he was. He had probably worked a lot on it but now, it seemed that his efforts had been deleted and he had to do it all over again since the very beginning.

"Oh Lord knows what you are, honey, but you might prefer boys. Don't you?"

"Most of the times…"

She hadn't been able to support him all the way in his process of acceptation and it made her mad. Building up a shield around her heart to protect herself from the rest of the world was one thing but it wasn't a reason to be harsh all the time, with everyone. She bit her lower lip, rolled her eyes.

"You should go back to school, Kare… Not only because we miss you but because you're ruining your life."

"I will marry Stan. He's rich and all he needs is a presence by his side. I don't need to study."

"I can't believe you're saying that…"

"You don't understand… It's just that… This is not my life. I'm having a bad dream and more or less soon I'm going to wake up and everything will come back to normal. I have no idea how the hell I landed here or why but… I'm not at the right place. It's a mistake. Just a mistake…"

She gasped. She hadn't meant to say anything but her fatigue had suddenly melted into exasperation that had boiled in her stomach before exploding. She didn't feel better though; since nobody would ever really understand what she meant.

"So you're screwing it up all along? This isn't very smart, you know. It might not be the life you have dreamed about and your plans haven't turned up the right way yet but in the meantime, you're stuck with it Kare. So you'd better fix it before it being too late. Nobody knows when your nightmare comes to an end."

_My bad, darling…_


	8. Odd routine and doubts

_"You know it's a mistake."_

_As soon as her lips had brushed his, she had tried not to think about it and for once just let her desires take possession of her. It had seemed to work well enough but blinded by her own perseverance, it hadn't crossed her mind that he could not succeed and there she was now, facing a truth she didn't need to hear for it being just one more failure over her shy attempts to be happy. _

_She opened her mouth to reply but no sound came out of it. Her hazel eyes were staring at his brown ones intently, almost frightened by the idea of the least movement she might make as if it would set off a whole cascade of embarrassment and pain. _

_She suddenly stood up, grabbed her bag and hurried to the elevator as the whisper of her apologies came to die in the depths of her shame for having hoped over some impossible plans. _

She let a week pass by, another couple of days. When she opened her eyes in the morning, she used to roll on her side and face the wall, turning her back at the fact she hadn't come back to her adult life. To the confusion of the first moments had substituted a wave of deep anger and frustration, a heavy weight on her heart.

Loneliness; for some reason it had never hit her so hard and she filled the hours of thousand memories that if they didn't provoke a smile, at least kept her away from another fit of cries.

Only when she had calmed down her nerves enough, she dared to sit up on her bed and look around. Her room was the smallest one of the apartment. As a matter of fact, now that she was back to it for whatever reason, Karen realized that she had never taken time to make it hers properly. The walls were bare, she didn't have any desk or shelves and the poor items she owned were littering the floor on precarious piles. Her penthouse on Madison Avenue had been the only place she had decorated and paid some attention to even though she had never felt at home there either. It had just sounded logical, desperately evident.

Very slowly she finally made her way out of her room and got ready. For what, she had absolutely no idea. Perhaps it gave a semblance of importance to her life and it was good in itself, a little less sad.

Waiting at the gate of the school was the only moment she didn't want to miss in her so-called life but curiously enough, she also dreaded it more than anything. She knew that if the situation lasted too long, one day her friends wouldn't stop anymore to have a snack _ get some drink _ with her. They would pass in front of her, not really ignoring her but when you weren't part of someone's day-to-day life, Karen had learned that it was very easy to disappear from this person's mind.

Jack didn't avoid her anymore though, Grace either. A veil of awkwardness and thick discomfort was still floating above their heads but at least they were back by her side and the days looked less gray, vaguely bearable.

She would have given anything to spend some time with Grace but her hesitations before her feelings prevented her from asking for anything like that and so she kept for herself her doubts about Brad; about all the rest.

She never made the first step to open a conversation, she hadn't learned how to do so while Grace used to be frank and started one without the slightest problem.

She missed it a lot but only let her frustration grow, still thinking that anyway, she would always be incapable of asking for support.

And then there was Will.

Passing the curve of the abandoned path, she slowed down, carried on by the screech of the rusty bike. A few more feet and she finally stopped, stepped down and leaned against the bench.

Since the past five days, she had grown accustomed to the routine of picking Will up after his work. The planned parenthood he was volunteering at was located on the very East of Washington Heights in an area that didn't look Manhattan anymore. It reminded her of Arkansas with its lonely, dirty brick-buildings that people were slowly abandoning. Her house was at the end of a dusty alley and it wasn't rare to see rats crossing from the shadows of a so-called side-walk to the sunny side where stolen cars were parked.

Will passed the door; she smiled.

It didn't sound right somehow. The way she seemed to live for this only moment besides the one when she came back to her real life owned a singular shade of some prohibited intention. Her heart didn't speed up its pace _ it wasn't about love _ but the warmness that still invaded her as soon as he passed the door and waved at her kept on troubling her fragile mind.

Perhaps he was just a vague reference in this upside-down life.

"What are you smiling at, Kare?"

She looked down, hopped on her bike and waited for him to do the same. The heat rushed to her cheeks, she swallowed hard.

"You're the only person I can really count on…"

But a truck passed in the street and covered her sentence. Will didn't hear anything.

"I have met someone this afternoon. He was accompanying some girl friend. His name is Michael."

She let him pass first through the path and stared at him disappear in the distance. She swallowed hard, taken aback.

_My bad, darling…_


	9. The weight of life

_She was made for failures. Her mother had never stopped saying so and as much as she had tried to take some distance from those harsh words, she was realizing that for once, it might have been true enough. How many years did she actually need to accept the fact that no mattered the plan she went for, it always ended up crashing down? _

_Rain; the fine water caressed her face as she stepped out of the building and faced the rest of the world. A taxi stopped in front of her but she shook her head and remained still, staring blankly at the boiling street. _

_She wished the end of the scene had belonged to a black and white movie. He would have run after her and as her ankle would have brushed the leather of a car seat, he would have shouted her name then put everything into parenthesis. She would have turned around, anticipating the heat of his arms and the softness of his lips. Her heart would have begun to pound loudly, she would have swallowed hard as the smile on his face would have murmured his feelings. _

_Perhaps she was way too romantic. _

_She took the stairs of the closest subway station instead and disappeared in the entrails of the city._

She had always known it. As if an odd instinct had all of a sudden taken possession of her when she had found herself in front of the shelves at the pharmacy, doubts hadn't had the slightest occasion to vaguely balance the hours that were coming.

But even though the word 'surprise' didn't find any resonance in the scheme that was rolling, she still had wished it had been different. She had gone through it too many times to ignore how hard loneliness hit you at this moment; when you turned your head and looked at the emptiness left by your side. It had never worked out until now but the truth was that it wasn't a matter of result, just the warmness of some presence that would relieve your mind once everything would have been settled down.

And this time it was going to be different because the nightmare had to go on.

A bright smile played on her lips as Jack entered the coffee shop. She waved at him but repressed her sudden urge of vitality. Her anxious gestures would end up revealing the despair she seemed to be lost into.

"I'm so glad to see you."

Jack sat down in front of her and took her hands in his. But his eyes weren't sparkling and his tenderness didn't sound natural enough to be completely trusted.

It is when Karen began to panic.

"Yeah I… I needed to see you, honey. There's something I want to tell you."

Jack's smile grew wider and all of a sudden he almost looked relieved unless she had just lost the last ounce of her self-confidence and there wasn't balance anymore.

"What a coincidence! I also want to… Well, it's important and I owe it to you. I mean I owe my entire life to you, Karen."

She was losing control of the situation. The conversation had plunged into a sort of double-monologue which conclusion seemed darker and darker as the words were sliding on their lips, then hit the air with the solemnity of definitive changes.

"Oh and what is it?"

"No, you tell me first!"

She locked her hazel eyes with his blue ones and images of their regretful night rushed back to her mind. She should have never accepted his request. As a matter of fact, she had never even thought that one day she would dare to discuss such a matter with him, hesitate before what was the worst mistake they could make. Was it by pity or curiosity she still felt guilty about it. She had used him.

Her mouth turned dry, she swallowed hard and bit her lower lip. What if she never woke up? What if she never came back to her adult life and so she would have to fix whatever was left of the ruins she was going through right now? Tears threatened to come out.

It should have never happened and she should have never been sat down in front of him with Damocles' spade brushing her head so heavily.

"I… I don't know how to say it… Since the last time, the last night… It's been so awkward and… I don't want to impose… This is a matter of circumstances, bad ones maybe but…"

Jack nodded, probably as lost as she was before the nonsense of her speech.

"Oh my God he's already here I'm so sorry, Karen. The timing is very bad but well…"

Jack stood up and completely unaware of the fact he had cut her mid-sentence, he kept on speaking but his eyes were staring at a point in her back. Frowning Karen turned around and shook her head; shrugged, confused.

"When I said that I owed my life to you Karen, I wasn't exaggerating. I will never thank you enough for what you accepted to do for me. This old fascination for women and my doubts were melting together and you didn't give me up, at any moment. Perhaps if I hadn't slept with you things would be different now but which is sure is that I wouldn't be as happy as I am right now. And it's all thanks to you. Karen…"

A man in his twenties approached their table; she felt her heart stop beating.

"Karen let me introduce you Paul… You helped us to go through our crisis and now we're back together. And happy…"

_I'm expecting a baby. It might be Stanley's; unless it's Will's, or yours. The truth is that I am not even sure._

The words twirled in her head before rushing back to the depths of her lonely heart. An instinctive smile lit up her face but as she looked at the boys' intertwined hands, she turned pale; unfortunately not that lifeless.

_My bad, darling…_


	10. Silent dreams and crash

_The heat of the subway caught up her throat and made her gasp as she arrived on the platform. It seemed that New York had turned into a subterranean life and the emptiness of the streets _ swept away by the rain _ found their logic in the crowd waiting for the trains._

_Wishing nothing but to disappear, she leaned on the wall and plunged her hands in the pockets of her coat then looked down at the floor. Her heart was pounding loud but not because of an effusion of sentiments. It just ached, tightened her throat every time the air brushed her lungs and she swallowed. _

_The worst of all wasn't that he had pushed her away but the misunderstanding, the shame that had followed. How would she ever be able to face him again? The whole situation sounded stupid but she was the one to blame; unless she had already forgotten that she hadn't initiated their kiss._

"I'm back with Cathy. We're going to get married before the end of the year so it's time to put an end to whatever was going on between you and I. It would have never worked out anyway. Let's just face it, Karen. We were never meant to be together. It was a pure mistake from the very beginning to the end…"

All of a sudden this incisive capacity that Stanley had always owned to make his sentences brief and clear stopped being appealing. Sat on the other side of the table, Karen didn't move; just blinked. It seemed that the world was crashing slowly and she had way too much time to fully experience the sensation of loss and control over herself. It wasn't scaring but troubling, almost soft since she hadn't hit the ground yet and so she felt like she was floating.

"Don't even think you can throw a fit here. Don't embarrass me and for once, behave like the adult you keep on claiming you are. Anyway I have to go now. Goodbye."

He was running away. Within a second the chair he had been occupying got empty and astonished, Karen looked at him leave. Obviously he was even afraid to face his own decisions, already by then. A bitter laugh embraced her lips but then she realized.

She clenched her fists.

If life had to be duplicated like that then he should have known better.

Karen Walker never threw a fit in public, never cried either.

It took her an hour or so before being able to move again. The blood started boiling back in her veins. Her heart gave its first signs to prove that it was still beating. She stood up, brushed the plastic table of her fingertips and very slowly made her way outside to this real world that only was a dream, a very bad one.

Everything was falling down like a house of cards. One after one, they were leaving her behind with the only souvenir of life growing inside of her with the pertinence of harshness.

She hadn't been able to say anything to Jack. Congratulations, vaguely fake ones, had slid on her lips before she had had time to realize it and then it had been too late to come backwards and tell him that she might have been carrying on his child. She hadn't thought that Stanley would do the same, with his typical heartless explanation that always left a bitter taste on your heart for having dared at some point in your life to look at him and have some interest.

He married Cathy because she had money. That's what he had told her the day they had met at this bar in The Upper East Side. She had believed him, mesmerized by some incomprehensible if not invisible charms.

Had she ever loved him?

She frowned and shrugged instinctively at the wonder.

Maybe not but she still had been fooled around and she didn't like it.

"Karen I need to talk to you!"

The sentence was beginning to haunt her mind and spread a wave of slight panic through her whole body. She nonetheless stopped and turned around. Grace was standing there, breathless. She had probably run after her but for being so lost in her thoughts Karen hadn't heard her friend call her name earlier.

"What is it? I'm not in the mood, sorry. I'm tired; I need to get some sleep."

"It won't take long, I swear it won't. I hate when we're like that and I want to apologize. Without mentioning that besides, you were right."

"What did he do to you? What did Brad Hopkins do to you?"

Before Karen's sudden concern, Grace shook her head and studied the street.

"Nothing, he didn't have enough time for that. But I owe it to you; and to Will since he happened to be there when things started getting worse. I missed you, Karen. I know you hate all these demonstrations of affection but I need to say it right now. I'm sorry. For everything…"

One day she had stormed out of the office, offended by some words Grace had said. She had always known that her friend had only been joking but for some reason she had taken it bad and refused to speak to her anymore. Then they had apologized, a couple of weeks later. And as doing so, Karen's heart had been embraced by a sensation of delicate warmness.

She was feeling it again, only for the second time in her life; there, lost in a world she couldn't recognize as hers where her most silent dreams were melting into her dreadful fears.

She hugged Grace and held her tight.

This is when she decided that she wouldn't say the slightest thing about the baby to Will. It settled down all the rest, vaguely bitterly.

But she just couldn't afford to lose him.

_My bad, darling…_


	11. Someone you can count on

_The day Stanley had died she had felt light but terribly lonely at the same time. She had looked at his coffin with a singular indifference, trying desperately to not let her anger turn into some pure agony. _

_He had hurt her, way too many times that she could actually remember. He hadn't been unfaithful but simply destroyed her mind with an insane self-control. He seemed to take pleasure from her silent cries, the blankness of her eyes that the years had ended up burying behind a veil of resignation. _

_And for an incomprehensible reason she had remained by his side until the end. _

_She lacked courage and didn't know how to take advantage of opportunities that were offered to her. As soon as they landed in her hands, the delicacy of her fingers turned into a pile of rocks and she reduced them into pieces, involuntarily. _

_All of a sudden a strong noise appeared on her left. She abandoned the wall she had been leaning on and approached the rails, slowly, as the rest of the crowd did alike. A smile lit up her lips before the irony of the situation. She had never wanted to be assimilated to the rest of the world but yet she had just been caught up back by it._

_The subway arrived. Her cell phone vibrated._

The place was smaller than the one she had grown accustomed to visit in Washington Heights. There were only a couple of armchairs abandoned near a large window; no magazine on the coffee table.

"May I help you?"

The voice of a young woman in her back made her jump. She turned around immediately and tried to regain some composure. Sometimes she wondered if she hadn't lost her self-confidence at the same time as her age. It let her frustrated, angry and silent.

"I would like to make an appointment for… Well…"

Without paying attention to Karen's discomfort, the girl grabbed an application form from her desk and tended it to her.

"Fill this, please. When you're done a psychologist will come to speak to you about the whole process; your rights, mainly."

Karen went to sit down on one of the old armchairs and studied the plastic floor intently. She had never felt more ridiculous than now; and ashamed. She had had the chance _ the odd experience _ to come back to her teenage years but with the mind and wisdom of adulthood. It should have changed a lot if not everything but she had kept on wasting it little by little, an element after the other.

And it was fair somehow that she ended up stuck in the anonymity of this unfriendly place. She kind of deserved it or at least thought so.

But curiously enough time seemed to fly away and very soon she found herself in the office of someone supposed to evaluate her mental capacities. She had always hated analyzes and therapies. Why would strangers get interest in all those things she was trying to forget? She didn't want to live in the past and drawing a line under a thousand regrets tended to approach the most efficient way to avoid it.

Besides, it was humiliating. Kneeling like that before her weaknesses made her sick.

"How old are you, Karen?"

"I'm eighteen years old."

She bit the inside of her mouth, restraining the urge to say that she was actually thirty­-eight and there was probably a mistake because she didn't have to be there.

"Does someone know about your pregnancy?"

"No…"

"Why did you not say it to the father?"

"He's not that interested. I mean… We're not together anymore."

"Before I go into further explanation about the process of the intervention, I have to be sure you fully understand the seriousness of it; its weight. You might not realize it yet but an abortion is a very hard moment to overcome and it can take a lot of time before you recover from it. Could someone be by your side the day of the intervention?"

"I don't think so but it's alright. I just want to move on and… And come back to a normal life."

The psychologist had probably noticed the strength of her determination in her voice but he would never be able to understand the real meanings of her words, the last sentence that vanished in the air, absorbed in the fatigue of her mind. She wasn't exasperated by the situation _ this so-called dream that seemed to last too long _ but simply exhausted, worn-out by the nonsense of all the things she was living.

"I don't want to sound pushy or anything but are you sure a friend couldn't come with you? There must be someone…"

"I learned to deal with things by myself since I'm a child so I should be able to go through it on my own; no big deal, really."

"I'm just saying that for you because I know how this is a lot harder than what it can seem. We don't push you to abort. We don't push you to go throughout a non-desired pregnancy because there is nothing worst for you and the person you would be giving life to than having to bear during nine months a situation that weighs you down. A lot of babies actually suffer from the depression the mother is feeling and it's extremely dangerous for their health, as well as yours. The sequels are irreversible then. However, getting an abortion can drag you down too if you're not surrounded by people who know you. So, there's really nobody, no one you can count on?"

His words hit her heart with the violence of irony. She thought about Will, felt his smile warm up her whole body but everything turned dark. She shook her head at the scientist.

"Not this time…"

_My bad, darling…_


	12. Replay

Seven more days and she hadn't awoken yet. She wished she could have stopped opening her eyes in the morning until the scent of the mansion came to caress her nose and she would know that she was back, at last.

What if it never happened?

Time was passing by and the idea seemed to cross her mind more and more. Some days her hope owned a singular strength but the sensation became so rare that she could almost feel her chance fade away a minute after another one.

Then there was all the rest, this permanent sentiment of abandon; her incomprehensible disappointment. She felt hurt without any particular reason. For a moment she had thought it might have been envy before the way her friends seemed to go on with their respective existences but very soon she had realized that her pain simply came from the fact that she hadn't been chosen.

And she had concluded that she wasn't indispensable to their lives.

"Hi Karen, how are you feeling today?"

She frowned, vaguely confused by the incongruousness of the question and preferred to remain quiet. She had never gone through an abortion, only thought once that she might have been pregnant. After six years of marriage with Stanley and not the slightest result, she had gone through a whole series of medical tests. They hadn't revealed anything special.

According to the laws of nature, she was able to carry on a child.

Why did it have to happen now and the only solution she could chose was to draw a line under an aspect of her life she had thought so many times missed out? She had no answer except the irony of a very harsh life. And all of a sudden it had nothing to do with age. She was just scared.

"You can relax in bed for a while. We're running late."

The door got closed. Very slowly she turned around _ her arms crossed on her chest _ and studied the room. It was bare, impersonal and cold. She swallowed hard. It was still time to go away…

Someone knocked on the door. She jumped, cleared her voice but barely managed something more than an inaudible whisper.

"It's open."

Her first reaction pushed her to make a step backwards, shaking her head vigorously. She felt bad, ashamed for a thousand reasons that hadn't ceased to get accumulated since the very beginning and it was driving her crazy. Then the tears rushed up to her eyes, tightened her throat as she desperately tried to swallow them back.

"What are you doing here?"

"Connie told me you were here. She used to work with us in Washington Heights and accepted the position as a nurse here a month ago. She saw me with you in the street one day… She didn't tell me on purpose. As a matter of fact, she didn't give me the reason of your presence here."

"I don't want you to be here. I don't want anyone by my side. So please, go away. Go away now."

But instead of leaving the room, Will did the exact opposite and within a second the heat of his arms wrapped her fragile frame. She didn't cry, didn't hug him back but nonetheless let him do. The bitterness of his gesture was rocking her peacefully. She closed her eyes.

"I don't know if it's supposed to be yours. I slept with Stanley."

"And Jack…"

His unexpected comment made her freeze and she looked down at the floor instinctively.

"He told me. Karen…"

His hands moved down her waist, inviting her to sit on the bed. She followed him but her eyes slid away and she stared at the ceiling in order to avoid his gaze.

"Karen, look at me."

His fingers caressed her cheek. She silently obeyed.

"You took your decision. I respect it. I just wish you had told me about it; not because I might have been a part of this whole story but for the fairness of the situation. There's no reason for you to go through it by yourself, alone. I don't know why it has always been so hard for you to trust us but I don't mind if I have to repeat it over and over; then I will. You can count on me, Karen. I will always be by your side, always."

His words broke her heart but the softness of his lips on hers eased her silent cries. They kissed and it was perfect, like the day they had made love on the roof of the building. It had been the only time she had really felt fine since the very beginning of this odd dream, when she had found herself in his arms and she had forgotten everything.

"I love you, Karen."

Burying her face in his neck she smiled; closed her eyes. Then all of a sudden it hit her mind and she remembered everything, the last seconds of her adult life before she finally landed there, alone; awkwardly.

She had kissed Will.

_Nervously she opened her bag and grabbed her cell phone as the crowd began to step in the train. It was a message. For a couple of seconds she hesitated, her heart pounding loud in her chest. But no, she couldn't delete it. She had to read it._

_Everything stopped, like in those black and white movies she loved so much. People pushed her in order to step into the subway but she remained still. And when the alarm set off, she looked up and stared at the doors getting closed. _

_The train left without her._

_The urge boiled in her stomach and rushed to her mind. She ran upstairs, fighting against a new wave of crowd that was going in the opposite sense. The rain hit her back but she barely felt it as she made her way on the sidewalk and hurried towards his building as if her life depended on it._

_Perhaps it did._

_She turned at the corner and saw the lights of the hall. They were sliding on the damp asphalt, contrasting with the darkness of the night. He was there, waiting outside; desperate and lost. _

_He turned around and froze as his gaze locked with hers. She stopped in front of him, breathless; soaked wet but she didn't care anymore. _

_She frowned, passed her tongue over her lips before a shy smile lit up her features._

_"I love you too, Will."_

_They kissed and it was perfect. _

_She came back to reality, at last._

_But the truth was that if she had had the opportunity, for this ultimate scene, she would have pressed 'replay' for the eternity._


End file.
